Come up and see me sometime

"Happy National Clitoris Day!"

Mon, 06 May 2013 17:43:01 -0400

“Happy National Clitoris Day!”

- a text

I came into work all bummed about life choices and relationships and all these other intrapersonal...

Fri, 31 Aug 2012 09:32:22 -0400

I came into work all bummed about life choices and relationships and all these other intrapersonal issues that have welled up in the past 12 hours, but as I passed the front desk all my favorite employees yelled at me, in a sort of South Atlanta Greek Chorus way, to wake up.

They thought I was hungover, so they gave me a grilled hot dog for breakfast.

We are a weird little family.

Work Best Friends

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 15:22:59 -0400

Todd: How do you do all of this? You're like my hero. When do you sleep?
Me: I don't.
Todd: You do a lot of drugs?
Me: Mostly meth.
Todd: Makes sense.
Me: My teeth are too nice to do meth.
Todd: Lemme see 'em.
Me: (bares teeth) Wait, they might be kind of yellow, sorry.
Todd: Yeah, they're super yellow. Almost orange. Oh, that's your gum.
Me: Actually, it's one of my teeth. It just fell out from doing all the meth and I was embarrassed so I just started chewing it to play it cool.
Todd: That's one way to do it. Does it have a good flavor?
Me: It's like every flavor I've ever experienced all at once.

pazu-humerus: fuq u wendy

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 19:48:22 -0400

pazu-humerus:

fuq u wendy

Today's episode of "First-Time Experiences"

Tue, 17 Jul 2012 16:05:11 -0400

I’ve been called a lot of pet names, but my least favorite so far is “Mama.”

In case you were wondering, before today, my least favorite was when a guy insisted on calling me “shawty.”

Mama. Mama. MAMA. Like, I don’t even get how that’s supposed to make me feel good.

"I don’t think I’ve had a friend that long [10 years]. The oldest one I have is probably..."

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 19:26:09 -0400

“I don’t think I’ve had a friend that long [10 years]. The oldest one I have is probably from like 6, 7 years ago. The rest of them just kind of rotate in and out through the years.”

- Beard just GETS me

I just had two different people ask me what my name was, then get huffy when I didn’t give my...

Sat, 14 Jul 2012 20:54:05 -0400

I just had two different people ask me what my name was, then get huffy when I didn’t give my full name at first.

Advice to Young Graduates

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 10:01:50 -0400

Get a job with a small business. Not only will the dress code be more lax (very helpful in the summer in Georgia), but they’ll also shut down early on July 3rd, effectively giving you 2 paid holidays in the middle of the week.

butterflynet: “I bought 7 vintage books earlier and now I can’t...

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 21:02:07 -0400

butterflynet:

“I bought 7 vintage books earlier and now I can’t decide which one to read. UGH”

This is Bryon imitating someone we kind of know and making me snort-laugh and clap. I can think of about three of you who will appreciate this.

What a delightful person (s)/he must be

Me: How did I get tire dirt on the back of my arm?

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 20:33:11 -0400

Me: How did I get tire dirt on the back of my arm?
A: I don't know, but it's on your cheek, too.
Me: What? No!
A: Yeah, with you in that skirt, you look like Tow Truck Barbie.

What a charmer

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 17:28:39 -0400

Me: Who ya sexting?
B: You
Me: Good answer

Beard asked my manager what time I usually come in, and now the entire office is making fun of me....

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 13:14:47 -0400

Beard asked my manager what time I usually come in, and now the entire office is making fun of me.

Whatever, bitches, totes worth it.

Who wants to sing Celine’s version of “Alone” with me in a car at the top of our...

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 18:50:37 -0400

Who wants to sing Celine’s version of “Alone” with me in a car at the top of our lungs?

Anybody? It’ll be so much fun.

vaguelyus: [Terrible] Ideas for the Weekend: Let’s watch all of...

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 10:55:36 -0400

vaguelyus:

[Terrible] Ideas for the Weekend:

Let’s watch all of fun.’s covers on Youtube.

Let’s all go out with bartenders who call everyone “honey,” and “love.”

Let’s go shopping for our friend’s wedding gift, even though she didn’t invite us to her shower last weekend. That’s not rude, right? Right!

Let’s drive around Sandy Springs looking for a bar that a guy I know works at. No, I don’t know the name. I’m just hoping that I’ll find it, walk in, and the rest will fall (rise) into place (“place”).

Let’s pretend that wasn’t a repeat of #2.

“Don’t go downstairs, Nikki. You’re wearing Banana Republic. NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM WHEN YOU’RE WEARING BANANA REPUBLIC! Why do you even HAVE this sweater?“

Anyway, the entire universe told me not to come into work today, but I wanted my money and ignored it. That was the wrong choice. So, to cope, I got snippy on Vaguely Us.

GIRL are you coming back to NY anytime this summer?

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 10:16:00 -0400

GIRL, I want to! I might be able to in like August (with the insufferable heat). If I come, I’ll letcha know

Also, ps, I was catching up on SNL last night, and I was telling everyone around, “MY FRIEND KATE GOT AN INTERNSHIP THERE THIS FALL!”

Nashville is hilarious. The end.

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 04:17:56 -0400

Nashville is hilarious. The end.

Q: What do you hope to gain from this writing workshop?

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 21:04:02 -0400

Q: What do you hope to gain from this writing workshop?

A: Enough confidence to finally write that piece for the Hairpin

popquizkid replied to your post: Beard is 24, not 31, so I was way off. He got… 24 is too...

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 15:28:19 -0400

popquizkid replied to your post: Beard is 24, not 31, so I was way off. He got…

24 is too young. It means he’s really 14. Break it off now.

Believe me, I know. I spent a good minute and a half explaining to him why I thought he was 31 and why that was a good thing. And there’s nothing to break off; it’s just a nice part of my workweek.

Beard is 24, not 31, so I was way off. He got mad at me for thinking he was that much older, so he...

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 09:50:32 -0400

Beard is 24, not 31, so I was way off.

He got mad at me for thinking he was that much older, so he said he was breaking up with me. I got mad at him for joking that we were together.

Happy summer! I’ll just be at the peach farm until August.

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 14:36:02 -0400

Happy summer! I’ll just be at the peach farm until August.